If you made it past the news about the unusually high number of “Safety Dance” attendees who puked on themselves you may have noticed that the YDN printed a nice opinion piece today by sophomore Brian Tang.

No, not that Tang.

For those who don’t know, he’s the ambitious underclassman with the will to encourage bicycle use as legitimate transportation for New Haven residents. He’s also the creator of the other “BikeNewHaven” (via City of New Haven).

The City’s “BikeNewHaven” was designed by Tang to demonstrate the simple and safe ways to traverse New Haven by bicycle.

It includes a section titled “Bike Smart” which advises riders to uses hand signals whenever necessary. The message is already getting through to Yalies as I witnessed a young lady signal a left hand turn onto Wall St. from York in front of the Hall of Graduate Studies. She was going the wrong way down York St., however.

From the "other" BikeNewHaven

With the Bike New Haven website serving as a handy reference tool rather than the echoing reminder that is needed, Tang penned his latest essay for the YDN.

In the article, Tang once again delivers a simple yet effective message,

” … it is actually very difficult to get hit by a car on a bicycle so long as you ride with traffic, as traffic. Bicycling with traffic may sound scary, but, ultimately, it is the best way to stay safe. The key to safe bicycling is to ride in a manner that makes sense to the other users of the road.”

In addition, Tang brings to light some of the systematic problems that are decelerating the city’s efforts and arguably discouraging new riders.

” … adding bike lanes is not simply a matter of slapping some paint on the road. On many of New Haven’s streets, adding bike lanes would require the removal of on-street parking or the elimination of a travel lane. Because of the way improvements to transportation infrastructure are funded, they often require the approval of the state Department of Transportation. A little behind the times, Connecticut’s Department of Transportation tends to consider maintaining the flow of traffic to be its overriding responsibility. As a result, New Haven has so far not succeeded in convincing the department to let it slim down roads with extra travel lanes such as Whitney Avenue. State engineers have also dismissed shared lane markings — another type of pavement marking used by many cities to assist bicyclists in maintaining a safe position on the roadway — as experimental and unproven.“

Tang makes a good point. Too often the argument is stated that even if you do ride with traffic you’re taking your life in your hands, and that what we really need is better infrastructure.

I think ECC and past groups have done a good job at expressing infrastructure concerns to the city. The only thing that’s holding them back is money, and the administration has admitted this more than once. So, the only way to fix that would be to convince the state that in communities all across Connecticut, especially in cities, bicycling infrastructure is a necessary investment of transportation resources and simultaneously an effective solution to traffic and parking woes. It’s like killing two cars with one bike.

So, for all those New Haven citizens who claim that Yalies do nothing but use our city as a backdrop to their four years of study, Tang stands as an example of a student who has given back to the community more than most residents. Here’s to hoping that he has even more to offer. Thanks, Brian!

To better understand our lives in this city, I am happy to share some very old photos of New Haven from the late 19th and early 20th century. I did my best to provide the context for the photos. However, in the absence of a professional staff and with little money left in the BNH budget, I was forced to turn to cheap labor to do the research.

The result is a trail mix of New Haven history, with peanuts of truth and raisins of fiction, banana chips of profanity, and coconut shreds of absurdity. (Did I mention I hired monkeys to write this)?

Yale Bicycle Club

In the 1870s, the Yale Bicycle Club met weekly to ride, compare facial hair, and discuss appropriate cycling attire. At this time in history, with the invention still novel, cyclists were admired, respected and gazed upon with awe wherever they went. At some point in the past 150 years, the public attitude toward cyclists shifted to reflect the growing appreciation for motorized transport.

The man third from the right, Pervis T. Wilborn, was publicly disgraced and excommunicated from the Club shortly after this picture was taken for violating the club’s dress code. (Note that his trouser pants are worn loosely and not secured in his boots). As a response, in 1873, he established the Yale Freeman’s Bicycling Club to provide a more open-minded environment. The YFBC was open to all New Haven residents except Italians, Jews, African-Americans, women, Catholics, and most indigenous tribes.

Lawrence Tibley, entertainer

Notorious New Haven prankster, Lawrence Tibley, seen here performing his daily routine in which he would run into the path of the Chapel Street Trolley to the delight of onlookers. Between 1915-1924, Tibley performed over 2,500 “run-ins” with the Chapel Street Trolley and was once referred to as “The Fatty Arbuckle of Transit.”

A 1929 talkie, Look Both Ways, starring Al Jolson with music by Cole Porter commemorates Tibley’s work. The title song’s refrain still echoes with New Haven residents:

Watch out Elis (put down that Frisbee)

Look both ways (’cause here comes Tibley)

He loves public transit (not private livery)

Cause he’s a masochist and enjoys his own misery.

Film scholars often argue that Look Both Ways, a Warner Brothers production which was heavily subsidized by Goodyear and Standard Oil, was just a thinly veiled propaganda piece for the emerging auto industry. Maybe I’m naive, but I think its just a heartwarming story about an old-fashioned entertainer who loved to please his fans.

Yale Bicycle Storage Facility

The Yale Bicycle Storage facility operated at 66 High Street where the “Tomb” of the Skull & Bones secret society now stands. In other words, they were the last people to occupy this spot on High Street whilst resisting the urge to steal an Apache hero’s physical remains.

This photo captures the Danielson Brothers, Thom and Brooker, who were perhaps the first cyclists to warn 20-something noise-rock enthusiasts about the dangers of the brakeless fixed-gear. (Noise rock at the time was referred to as Jazz). The sign to the right of the doorway reads, “why not attach a coasting break to your wheel?”

The Danielsons were making an appeal to Yalie intelligence by posing their question in the form of a philosophical quandary as was the mode of intellectuals at the time. For example, asking a woman out on a date in this era went something like this:

“Why NOT accompany me to the premier of “Look Both Ways”? It will be a most delightful experience, will it NOT?”

The women were then left to ponder the question and be ready with a witty response one day later at the same location. Perhaps it is telling that Lesbianism gained massive appeal during this era.

We all know unemployment is rising as the economy plummets. While many are searching helplessly to find work, others are inventing whole new occupations to fend off financial ruin.

I encountered such a man while searching Craigslist for a rusty screw I needed for my current de-restoration project. That’s where I take a rare, antique bicycle in mint condition, and recreate what it would look like if no one had cared for it after decades. It’s tedious work, but in the end its rewarding to run your finger over a fresh coat of rust and get the feeling of years of neglect, (and tetanus), running through your blood.

While searching for that screw, I came across the following post offering to free your bike, rusty or otherwise, from its chains.  If you’ve locked up your bike and lost the key, you’re in luck. There’s a man who can help you.

I Cut Bike Locks!! Lost Kryptonite keys? No Prob! Any Lock/Chain Cut! – $25 (New Haven Area)

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Date: 2009-09-28, 9:14AM EDT
Reply to: sale-mcckm-1395984126@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Need your Bike Lock or Heavy Duty chain cut off ?? Lost your Keys??..no prob! ..All Locks/Chains Cut!!! Call Steve 203-444-3890
* Generally Takes less than 5 minutes, -Bikes are not harmed in the process!- **$25 to cut off any lock if you bring the bike to me, ..$35 if I travel to you.

If you’re like me, you went through a complex series of emotions while reading this post.

1. Terror – If you read this too quickly, like I did, you might have thought there was a maniac running around New Haven threatening to cut people… Oh wait, he cuts bike locks…. Wait, WTF? I guess that’s not as bad as what I initially thought.

This CL poster could have avoided any confusion had he not broken a fundamental rule of grammar: never use two exclamation points to end a sentence that begins with I cut.

2. Anger – My next reaction was one of pure rage upon learning that this man had stolen my idea. I had posted of a similar service a few months ago offering to smash any lock with a 20 pound sledge hammer. I had even promised a 50% accuracy rating. How dare he?!

3. Suspicion- Why is this man so accomplished? He claims he can cut through any lock in less than 5 minutes. Is he a laidoff metalworker? Or, did he just study this video?

4. Confusion- I’ll be honest, the whole thing confuses me, but if I had to pick one sentence that really does it, it’s this one: “$25 to cut off any lock if you bring the bike to me.”

It seems like if you’re capable of detaching a locked bike from whatever it’s attached to and bringing it to him then you’ve already solved your problem. Unless, of course, he’s referring to the often seen but seldom understood “bike locked to nothing.”

We’ve all see these folks, (mostly overly trusting Yale freshman), who lock their bike wheel to the frame but not actually to the rack. If that’s what he’s looking for, than yes, I do need my bike lock cut off, and the locks of my 12 friends.

**UPDATE**

This is an update from the previous story about ticketing bicyclists who ride on the sidewalk. (“Sidewalk Biking Bust Nets 46-Year Old Crackhead”)

While New Haven officers like Lt. Ray Hassett are busy ticketing bicycle riders for riding on the sidewalk, innocent people are actually getting hurt because the same law is not being enforced on automobiles across town. The most recent incident occurred late last month on the Tomlinson Bridge where citizens say fishermen frequently park their cars on the sidewalk to avoid the excruciating 50-meter walk.

On August 24th, a New Haven man was knocked off his bike when he was forced onto the roadway because of the parked cars. He said he normally rides on the sidewalk there because of the danger of crossing the Tomlinson Bridge with automotive traffic. (Read the whole story via NHI here).

I personally take to the road when crossing the Tomlinson Bridge, but I can understand a cyclists’ trepidation when they see this four-lane monster open up to them as they are pedaling along Route 1. It’s kind of like getting swallowed by a whale. A whale that just ate a dump-truck  full of asphalt, and then vomited so that it smells like asphalt vomit.

This talk of regurgitation reminds me to once again bring up the most fundamental point of this whole argument. Yes, sidewalk riding is dangerous and illegal, and some would even say cowardly, but that does not mean it should be ticketed.

Anyone who is on their bike is potentially one less person in an automobile. They should be encouraged and even congratulated for breaking the status quo of personal motor-vehicle ownership in this country and thus ebbing the pattern of environmental abuse, fossil fuel consumption, and anti-urbanization sentiments that motor vehicle use has spawned. They should not be ticketed for fearing to ride with dangerous drivers, rather dangerous drivers should be ticketed for harassment and intimidation of pedestrians and cyclists (i.e. breaking traffic laws). Until that happens, I will side with bike riders who chose to use the sidewalk for fear of traffic.

Something smells in New Haven's traffic enforcement policy.

Rob Smuts, the city’s Chief Administrative Officer, has responded on the NHI comment thread, probably as a result of my hard-hitting journalism (i.e. the exploded whale picture). I feel obligated to share his response:

Posted by: Rob Smuts | September 10, 2009 5:09 PM

This incident and the comment thread bring up a bunch of different, really important issues. I wanted to quickly comment on a few of them from the City’s perspective (and my own two cents).

1) General traffic enforcement – speeding, giving proper passing room, etc – is our responsibility, and obviously not just in this location. Starting under Chief Ortiz and continued and dramatically increased now under Chief Lewis, the NHPD has implemented a major push on traffic enforcement. From about 10,000 MV violations issued in 2007, we went to over 15,000 last year and expect to hit 22-24,000 for 2009. Any change in motorist behavior will require this effort to be sustained over several years and probably increased some more – both points Chief Lewis tells me we can expect to see.

2) Illegal parking on the sidewalk – two incredibly responsive public servants (Mike Piscitelli and Chief Lewis) are now fully aware of the issue and have committed to addressing it. Give us feedback on how we’re doing on this issue – you can reach me at rsmuts@newhavenct.net. I will speak with the City Engineer to contact ConnDOT about the possibility of putting up posts or bollards to physically prevent cars from illegally parking there – not something we can directly do, but we will certainly convey the idea.

3) Pointing out trouble spots – the article mentioned SeeClickFix, and I want to strongly recommend it (please don’t email me directly with every issue, in other words). City departments pay attention to the issues reported on that site: the NHPD use it to identify many of their targets for traffic enforcement, and even narcotics enforcement. DPW, Parks, LCI and other city departments do respond also. Some complicated issues like this one (because it’s a state bridge and a state road, and involves the railroad company) aren’t easily resolved right away, but none of the issues are ignored.

4) The railroad cut – this particular Tomlinson issue wasn’t raised in the article, but is the one I have most heard about and personally experienced. I broke my elbow May 2008 crossing the Tomlinson on my bike after I took a spill on the railroad crossing. Thankfully there was no car going 40mph+ right behind me and I wasn’t hit when I was sprawled out in a travel lane (as Anon would point out, the typical speeds on this stretch would be much more likely to kill me in that situation than on a road where vehicles travel slower). I shared my experience with the City Engineer, Dick Miller, who is our main point of contact with ConnDOT, but this is not something under the City’s authority. A similarly problematic railroad cut on Grand Avenue, however, is something Dick has been fruitfully working on – the City couldn’t fix the issue ourselves, but we have been working on that railroad cut with the railroad company and expect it to be fixed very shortly. So while the City can’t do much about the Tomlinson railroad cut, we are addressing the analogous situation for which we do have some responsibility.

- Rob Smuts
Chief Administrative Officer & fellow “Tomlinson Bridge Club” member

I’m excited to see those numbers that he cites in part 1, and the swift response to the other problems as well. Strangely, it’s both inspiring and troubling that people are able sit on their ass and complain (via the internet), but still accomplish something.

So, good work, but I think the number of violations issued could easily be increased. For every driver they catch there are countless others getting away with the same thing.

In his own words Smuts says, “any change in motorist behavior will require this effort to be sustained over several years and probably increased some more.”

Anyone that rides or walks regularly will probably agree with you that we have not noticed any significant changes in driving behavior over the past year. We’re all for increasing those numbers. Keep up the good work!

Here’s a nice piece of Yale history I just discovered: For a time, the Yale-Vassar Bike Race was an annual mixer for the two colleges centered around a race from New Haven to Poughkeepsie. Life Magazine chronicled the events in 1952 in the best way they know how – with beautiful black and white photos. There’s plenty of drinking, cycling, and odd costumes, which leaves only one question to be answered: Why the hell did they ever stop doing this?!

It seems that the early 50s was a fun time for college kids. The country had literally opened up with an abundance of new roadways, and the suburban exodus that had begun in the 40s made city life – even a sheltered one like that of a Yale student – seem exciting and adventurous.  It was also the first time in history, it seems, that panty raids became an issue for administrators, as recalled by then Warden of Vassar College, Elizabeth Moffat Drouilhet:

“…when we got word that a Yale house was going to stage a panty raid, Sarah and myself and two others decided that we would not go to bed, we would sit up and be prepared for it. So, we gathered over in the Warden’s House and played bridge and then would listen, play some more bridge, and finally about 3:00 a.m. in the morning we thought we had had a bad steer, and there was not going to be one that night, but they knew we were too prepared for it. But, it was things of this sort that occupied an awful lot of time.”

Needless to say, things have changed a bit in the last half century, but you have to imagine the excitement these things created at the time, especially amongst a bunch of upper-class white people.

Anyhow, here are some of my favorite photos from the1952 LIFE story:

Cycling expert, Lt. Ray Hassett, seen here demonstrating the proper way to ride a bicycle.

Lt. Ray Hassett’s persistence, dedication, and generally grumpy demeanor has finally paid dividends to the law-abiding, non-crack-smoking citizens of New Haven.

You may remember Lt. Hassett for his noble yet misguided attack on sidewalk riders earlier this year, (read more here). For those who don’t know, Hassett bravely went toe to toe with the most menacing group of organized ruffians on the streets of New Haven: Sidewalk Bikers.

Yes, those poor saps you might mistake for children, or the elderly, those concrete warriors, those department store triathletes, in short, the least of our problems in the city of New Haven – the moths of the criminal world.

All that changed on Monday when Lt. Hassett’s one-man fight finally netted an arrest worthy of the news.

The NHI reports that Hassett observed a repeat offender riding on the sidewalk in his Dwight district, saying “He’d stopped her before and warned her to stay on the street.”

I thought cops were supposed to tell people to stay off the street, especially unskilled bikers. I think it’s pretty obvious Hassett’s real intention here is to unlawfully search people, which he probably did in this case. I don’t think he’s too concerned with any actual safety issues of which there were a lot in this incident. (The crack pipe poking out of the stem-mounted bike bag could have caused serious injuries to the rider’s genitals).

Regardless, Hassett did catch a middle-aged crackhead, probably someone who needed help, so for now his brazen disregard for the Fourth Amendment shall go unchallenged, especially by a crackhead and her public defender.

I think the saddest part about this incident, though, is that some people will use this arrest to justify Hassett’s anti-sidewalk riding campaign, arguing that sidewalk riding is indeed a quality-of-life crime. Well, if that’s the case then I have a short list of other quality-of-life crimes that are currently either ignored or under-punished by law enforcement. In no particular order they are:

• Speeding cars – What will it take for cops to start enforcing speed limits? It would help if the city didn’t have to send 90% of ticket revenue to Hartford. Then, there would be more incentive for the administration to push for a crackdown on a real quality-of-life issue like speeding. It would also help if cops themselves took the 25mph city speed limit seriously. I know, their jobs are so hard we can’t expect them to actually follow the laws they enforce.
• People who SELL crack – Don’t get me wrong here. I still think it’s important to arrest the people who smoke crack. In fact, that’s a great way to catch the dealers. Seriously, how hard would it be to entice a crackhead, (with the promise of more crack), to simply lead you to his dealer? Is this not plausible? I suspect there’s something else going on here. At this point, I think it’s too soon to mention Dark Alliance. I’ll let you know when you’re ready.
• Modified exhaust systems on motorcycles – WTF? You’re going to pull someone over for riding their bike on the sidewalk but you’ll let these obnoxious morons ride around with absolutely no regard for the “quality of life” of New Haven citizens. How about you start pulling them over, confiscating their illegal bikes, and then ordering them to ride those really tacky Wal-mart choppers for one year.

Justice Served!

I’ll leave you with this quote from the NHI article:

“Hassett, who’s persistent about stopping cyclists who violate rules of the road (or sidewalk), called biking laws a useful tool for preserving order.”

Now, with the examples I just gave of actual quality-of-life crimes being committed continuously all across the city everyday, and then just hearing Hassett say that enforcing biking laws is a “useful tool for preserving order”, I have just one thing to ask the Lieutenant if he’s reading. Sir, did they have to make a special pair of police issue trousers just to fit you? Because, those are some big balls.

Update: “Complete Bridges”

I am sharing this message from campus Chief of Police that was forwarded to me by a reader.

August 13, 2009 11:41 am

From: Chief of Police

To: All Faculty, Students & Staff

I write to tell you about 2 incidents that occurred on the BYU campus this summer that I fear may encourage copy-cat crimes on other campuses including our own.

On July 25 around 8:00pm a 25-year-old BYU student was walking near Harold B. Lee Library on BYU campus when a man rode up on a bicycle, groped her breasts, and then rode away. The woman did not report the incident until August 7. Three days later, on August 10, a similar incident was reported by a 20-year-old female visitor. In total, at least four breasts have been groped.

As of yet, no similar incidents have been reported on our campus, but the potential is certainly there. I urge all female students to be aware of their surroundings at all times. If you need a ride when the regular shuttle is not running, or if you want a security officer to accompany you to your parking lot or garage, please call 433-9355 for a security escort.  Finally, if you notice something or someone who seems suspicious, please call the Police right away at 435-4500.

In the meantime, if you see a suspicious man on a bicycle, take precautionary measures. If you cannot easily distance yourself, be ready with a personal protection device such as pepper spray in the event that he attempts to grab you. To be proactive, consider spraying any male bicyclist who comes within a 10 ft radius of your breasts.  In addition, I urge you all to take measures to protect yourself by wearing protective undergarments made of durable material such as leather.

Be Safe,

Chief of Police

…Here’s the full story via NHI.

This is what the victim usually looks like:

The Victim: Asst. Dean of Yale Graduate School of Arts & Sciences, Robert "Easy Money" Harper-Mangels

…this is what he looks like for poor kids in the ‘ville…

If anyone has been following BikeSnobNYC for the past year or two they most certainly know about his statistical invention known as the “Pista Index.” Briefly, it provides a whole number measuring price in dollars of the most recent Bianchi Pista offerings on Craigslist. The index is then used to correlate the current urban fixed-gear trend in that particular city.

Well, if this CL post is any indication, the fixed-gear trend has recently been inflated beyond reason in Naugatuck. The seller is offering his “sick fixie” for dirt-cheap: only $1200. Check it out:

I have a bianchi Pista with thomson stem, Flat handlebars, lime green oddessy pedals, san marco saddle, limegreen deep V velocety wheels, and gator skin tires this build would be sold for 1400 in a bike shop and take years to build for the average cyclist it has a 2.3 gear ratio and is super fast i love it but must part with it

That’s right he’s going to save you time and money and you’re going to have a “super fast” bike with a 2.3 gear ratio. I’m confused, is there a Ford Mustang engine in this thing?

At this point, if you’re like me,  you’re probably wondering why he’s offering us all such a bargain. Well, it turns out there was a certain country fair last month in Humboldt requiring a particular colored wheel.

Rooster McClintock? No way!

My guess is that this CL seller spend the better part of the last two years building this bike in anticipation of the event. (By “building this bike”  I mean stripping the factory wheels and bars off and replacing them). And now, with the Green Wheels Gala all but forgotten in a haze of ganja smoke and chicken parts, he’s ready to move on to other epic builds.

So, I  was just about to pull the plug on this blog. (Not to worry, my new blog explaining why I almost stopped blogging will be up soon with a Twitter account synched to my Facebook status updates and Google Latitude). Before I decided to kill this one, I thought I’d check my BikeNewHaven e-mail account one last time. It was cluttered with bike shit as expected, and looked like it would take hours to sift through, but at the top was a glimmer of hope. A turd blossom, if you will. There at the top of the inbox was, to my surprise, a message indicating that someone had left a comment on my “about” page the day before.

Since I hadn’t posted in months, and since I didn’t know anyone by the name that was left, I thought this was a bit strange. Even more odd, I wondered what had driven me to check this e-mail account after months of neglect. Was it a supernatural phenomenon drawing me to that particular in-box? A case of e-ESP? Was it just another bot stopping by to say, “nice$@blog*# checfdk out these sites:”.

These questions and many more took up the better part of 10 seconds this morning as I decided whether or not to open the ominous e-mail.  I put on my safety goggles and a fresh pair of latex gloves and clicked the link, only to find a bizarre tale of cycling misadventures, complete with a paranormal encounter with a famous historical figure. I’m sure you’re all dying to hear, so without further explanation, I give to you, “The Very Strange Tale of Scott Leventhal,”

This morning, 10:30 Memorial Day, started my ride from Orange Street near Nikita’s Market. Doing everything I’m suppose to be doing, traveling in the Bike Lane (which is a fucking joke) towards East Rock when I got T-Boned by a Minivan coming from the other side of Lawerence (where it intersects with Orange). I woke-up on Lawrence Street with my bike about 15 feet further down the road and my glasses in pieces still up on Orange. A witness/ jogger stopped and asked me if I was OK so, after I rolled over and spit out some blood I told her I thought I would be able to get-up and get out of the road. She turns to me and says “well the driver stopped, wasn’t that good of him.” Are you fucking kidding me? Am I really suppose to be appreciative that the shit head who blew through the stop sign and flashing red stop signal therein almost killing me was good enough to stop? WTF, do people out there really hate bicyclists that much where it’s now considered merely politeness that they pull over to see if we’re still breathing rather than just go about their own business? Turns out the guy who hit me was an Alien (don’t know yet if he was an illegal) with an (I shit you not) ID listing him as Abraham Lincoln. I was en-route to the Hospital before I could learn the final outcome of the police investigation but the police officer stuck a business card and case number into my hand before I left the scene. Un-Fucking believable, of all the Yale Grads in Town this weekend for graduation I have to and get hit by the namesake of the 16th President on Memorial Day who likely has no insurance (but likely a valid New Haven Alien ID).

Thanks Scott, the only thing I would add is God Bless America. You’ve got everything else though, a good intro, an interesting hook, introduction of conflict, and then just when the reader thinks he knows where it’s going, BAM! Abraham Lincoln comes to the party.

In all seriousness, Scott, if you’re reading, I hope you got to the graduation ceremony and are now back home resting.

We’re lucky enough to have the law firm of Jonathan Mills located here in New Haven. They’re good at representing cyclists in these situations. If you haven’t already, give them a call.

BTW, I’m assuming you’re from out of town for these three reasons:

1. You called Nica’s Market Nikita’s.
2. You actually used the bike lane on Orange Street.
3. You used the phrases “Un-Fucking believable” and “I shit you not.”

Nikkita’s. Okay, that’s an honest mistake. No harm, no foul.

Orange Street bike lane – not okay, but also an honest mistake. You, like countless others, assumed that bike lane means “safe for cyclists to travel here” (—–>).  That’s a logical assumption. Unfortunately, the Orange Street lane was installed as part of the bike lane pilot program several years ago. The planners, in their naivete, thought Orange Street would be perfect since it’s a good mix of residential and commercial, well-traveled but not too busy, and quite scenic.

It is all these things and more: it’s too narrow! In fact, by today’s standards Orange Street would never be considered for a bike lane. I’m sorry you learned this the hard way, Scott. For everyone else: the safest place to be is in the street!

The last point still had me confused though, and once again reaching for paranormal explanations. Your choice of words in the story signaled to me that you are a foreigner of some sort, though I couldn’t quite figure out from where at first. I researched some of the language you used and according to this webpage, you may be a time traveler from the 1990s. This would also explain your astonishment with our treatment of alien residents.

I’m sorry to blow your cover, Scott, but I think it maybe necessary to save humanity. Clearly you have come here to learn, and we have much to teach you in 2009.

There will be a man from Texas, the son of a bad man, as prophesied by Flava Flav in “Son of a Bush,” who will come to power and say some of the most hilarious phrases ever uttered by a world leader. (If you don’t believe me watch this video hosted by a time-eradication device we invented named, YouTube). The rest of the World will then laugh at how stupid we’ve become and as a result stop purchasing American made cars, leading to the second Great Depression. This is why grammar is so important, Scott!

Also, sometime in the early 2000s, we will grant immunity to our least fluent citizens and name them after our country’s forefathers in honor of our inarticulate 43rd President. This fills at least one gap in your story.

What about the perp, you ask? Well, I was able to track down the whereabouts of that maniacal minivan driver. It seems he has already repatriated and in a twist of irony has set up his own driving school just to mock us from afar.

I know this is a lot to take in right now, but to put it in the parlance of your time; “It’s All Good!”