You want to ride a bike.
But you’re worried that you might have to make a “Faustian bargain” to obtain one.
You’ve heard the rumors swirling about pledging allegiance to corporate sponsors in exchange for cool bike shit and the concept troubles you.
Why does it have to work this way? Why do I have to buy a brand just to fit in?
Well, you don’t have to do it that way! The Bike New Haven blog has a solution that won’t require you to deal with any shady characters, probably.
Our team of experts has been scrubbing the ‘For Sale’ pages on Craigslist looking for bike bargains and here’s what we found.
(And, if none of these meet your needs, just give up and get a goddamn green bike already)!!
First up, here’s the “Perfect College Bicycle”
Perfect College Bicycle – $85
I got this bike for my summer internship here in Connecticut because I am from Missouri. It works well and I use it a lot. I got a tune-up at the end of June and got new pedals and cranks. Paint is chipped in places, but doesn’t affect my riding. Gears shift with ease on right side. I was warned by previous owner to just use right gear shift. Comes with cliche bell. No kickstand. I would like to get rid of it before I leave August 10th. I am 6′ and it fits me. 26′ wheel. Great brakes and tires. I am not trying to deceive anyone.
New Haven’s a college town. This is just right.
The seller received this bike because he’s from Missouri, and also he had to come to New Haven to do an unpaid summer internship. This doesn’t seem like a fair sentence, but I’m not a legal expert either. The seller probably committed some heinous crime back in Missouri and this was the ultimatum.
Now don’t let the look of this bike deceive you. The paint is chipped, but it “doesn’t affect riding.” This is a good sign because if paint chips are affecting normal motor skills you may have ingested residue from lead-based paint and you should go straight to the ER. And, no more eating paint chips.
You wanna shift? This thing has fully-functioning gears. Ok. Let’s be honest, the seller admits he’s “not trying to deceive anyone.” So, actually, only the right gears “shift with ease.” The left gears do not shift without considerable burden. In fact, the previous owner warned this seller to only use the right gears. Basically, if you touch the left gears, you’re a fucking idiot, because you’ve now been warned by 2 previous owners that they are complete shit.
The bright side is this bike comes with a “cliche” bell. Featuring the voice of Nicolas Cage, every cliche bell comes loaded with commonly overused phrases, including:
- “Big man on campus”
- “Put the pedal to the metal”
- “Think outside the box”
- “Don’t judge a book by its cover”
Look, you’re trying to make new friends on campus, right? Hell, maybe you even want to burst that Yale bubble and meet some townies. Well, you don’t want to make an awkward first impression using completely original sentences. That would be a clear indication that you’re some pretentious art snob. Just reach for your cliche bell instead!
If the bell doesn’t do it for you, check out this next discovery.
For sale is a bargain race bike, with a genuine “Serotta” decal. It’s actually the perfect alternative to renting a Green Bike in New Haven since Ben Serotta himself helped redesign the NYC Citi Bike back in 2015:
The most noticeable change is the seat, which will feature a hole in the middle to stop the saddles from getting soaked with rain.
They’re also easier on the backside, said designer Ben Serrota.
“You’re being supported in areas you need to be supported,” said Serrota, whose bikes have been ridden in the Olympics, as well as National, European and World Championship titles.
Although the bikes are roughly the same size as the old ones, Serrota said some riders have told him they “feel faster.”
Not only did Serotta’s redesign for Citi Bike make butts more comfortable than before, it also made the ride feel faster! Now, the caveat is that the hole in the saddle which prevents rain from getting inside also seems to channel butt sweat directly down the top tube toward the handlebars. The “scientists” over at Men’s Health found that Citi Bikes were actually the most disgusting thing in NYC! In a city that smells like garbage and urine, Serotta somehow managed to take Citi Bike all the way to the top of the pile.
You might say, this bike has it all…
Serotta-Fierte IT 48cm – $1999
Bike has Campagnolo Chorus/FSA carbon compact cranks, Reynolds Ouzo Pro fork, Thompson seat post, Aero Lite wheels and Shimano road SPD pedals. Some scratches on the paint from loading the bike on a trailer other wise in good condition. Bike has only been ridden by old white haired lady (really). I also have most of the manuals.
In case Ben Serotta’s experience with Citi Bike doesn’t sell it, everything else is perfectly spec’d:
- Campy cranks √
- Thompson post √
- Shimano SPD √
- Under $2,000 √
- Only been ridden by old white-haired lady √
- Has most of the manuals √
Now, you might ask, why would a self-described old, white-haired lady have a bike like this?
Well, have you been to New Haven lately? It’s practically the new Brooklyn! And, by “New” Brooklyn I mean it feels like being trapped in the middle of southern Connecticut, engulfed by suburban towns with rapidly aging populations.
There’s a process at work here and it’s somewhat controversial. Some people simply refer to it as the “G” word. I’m talking of course about Geriatrification. You should at least be aware it’s happening, even if you don’t want to chose sides yet.
But, now we’re getting distracted by politics. I only demand the most pertinent answers for our audience of potential buyers. For instance, where are the other manuals? The seller has “most” of them?! How do you expect someone to put this thing together without all the instructions?
Maybe the high price tag on that Serotta makes you long for some added security. If you’re worried about getting your bike stolen in New Haven, look no further.
Like before, this ad will not deceive you. The bike actually kind of sucks. The rear tire is broken but “otherwise it was working fine.” It was working fine…
The seller gives up a little too early on the sales pitch and blurts out that he’s actually just selling you a lock. You can have a lock as long as you pay $15 and agree to come pick up some scrap metal in New Haven.
What a deal!
Alright, last chance. If none of those deals are good enough, how about this Eighties baby….
Are you a kid from the 1980’s? Do you have a sparsely populated memory of pop culture references? Can you limit your nostalgia for an entire decade to just 2 movies about futuristic cars? And will you promise not to challenge the seller with your 80’s trivia?
You’re going to love this old Huffy Sigma that’s been hanging in the garage for the last 30 years. There are only about 9 million of these things left in the world so it’s practically one-of-a-kind!
As the seller suggests, “here’s your chance to relive your youth.” Remember that time you had to help your friend clean shit out of his mom’s garage? Now you can relive it!
The seller also claims that “$80 cash takes this part off my youth away.” We’re not sure exactly what’s being suggested, but fear that it may be an attempt to receive a psychotherapy session at discount, so be very careful with this one. As always, Craigslist warns buyers to “avoid scams and only deal locally”, and to only provide professional services if you are licensed to do so.