Winter Workout

Not equipped with “Winter Balls” like this guy? There’s other options…

If you’re an averaged ball-size cyclist like me, you’re not going for any rides outside town unless it’s over 40 degrees farenheit. Of course, riding around New Haven is fine. I’ll ride here till I freeze to my bike.

But, maybe indoor cycling regiments like spinning aren’t your thing either. It probably isn’t mine, yet somehow Rob Kravitz from GoGreen Fitness has convinced me to try out his class. When I do that I’ll be sure to follow-up with a post. In the meantime, I’ve been shopping around the internet searching for an even crazier exercise fad. I realized I was probably a little too critical of spinning in my original post, while letting some other flawed systems slide by. If there is just one measure of consistency in my hyperbolic hate speech directed at exercise trends – let it be fairness.

Sure, spinning is laughed at by mountain bikers, looked down upon by roadies, and mocked by anonymous bloggers. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the most asinine trend in fitness, or that it’s just the latest in a series of exercise novelties and will soon be replaced. I definitely implied that in my original post, so I apologize to any spinners reading this. May you spin in peace.

Now, on to the real crazies. A friend of mine mentioned that she might take a Zumba class this winter. Zumba? I thought. That sounds delicious! Then I found out it wasn’t an ethnic cooking class. Instead, it was another nauseating fitness fad. Even more shocking, when I did a little research it confirmed my worst fears of an impending takeover by exercise zombies! Zumba is already catching on all across the planet – even in the most unlikely places (Ohio) – because it combines fitness and fashion with the enticing pulse of Latin music. Wait. Isn’t that called Latin dance? (Samba, Rumba, Merengue, Mamba, Cha-Cha, etc.)

Nevermind. If we don’t act soon, Zumba zombies will be showing up in New Haven. You don’t think they’re a force to be reckoned with? Check out the highlights from the Zumba Convention 2009: Zumbathon.

Okay, so I’m not sure what happens after the 1:00 mark, or how far you made it through the video. That was enough time to convince me that Zumba has the ability to do more harm than spinning could ever do to the sliver of culture that humans are grasping onto. Zumba is a fully licensed trademarked product. As such, the website urges you to “Get It!” (buy the DVDs), “Live It!” (pay for classes), and “Wear It!” (buy their clothes). Because who the fuck would want to be caught doing Zumba in sweatpants?!

Personally, I’m torn between believing that the Zumba zombies are just victims of clever marketing aimed at our consumer culture – or – assuming that they’ve been dosed with a combination of ecstasy and speed. They seem really happy and energetic… and out of their minds.

Speaking of drugs, look at this thing:

If you’re forward thinking like me, you’re already wondering how you’re going to respond to the Zumba founder’s charges of libel. You’re also probably wondering what the next exercise fad might be. With the end of the petroleum age, we will necessarily return to being inventive and industrious with the things we have. We won’t be able to rely on ordering new parts from China, or even Chicago, so any fitness systems of the future will have to be local and composed of leftovers. Thus, we will be left to tinker in our suburban garages and city sheds, finding ever-novel ways to stay in shape. And so it is with “Custom Treadmill Bike – 1 of a Kind.”

Equal to the birth of Jesus in historical implications, “Custom Treadmill Bike – 1 of a Kind (CTB-1K)” similarly arrived on my monitor swaddled in a pocket bike and flanked with Old Glory, perched in the manger of the 21st Century: the front lawn. I can’t think of a more picturesque symbol of American individualism and creative madness. All hail “Treadmill Bike – 1 of a Kind,” and behold her infinite wisdom:

“i custum built it a real eye catcher works fantastic 60 or obo
just disreguard the mini bike on top of it its the only piks i had.”

–CTB-1K, January 11, 2010

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8 thoughts on “Winter Workout

  1. Hahaha! I have witnessed Zumba in Ohio. They indeed offer it at my gym. But isn’t it more a dance class than “another fitness fad”?

  2. I saw a zumba thing a few weeks ago. It’s kinda crazy to be honest but I’ll check it out. PS. thank god it wasn’t bridgeport but rather new haven! 🙂

  3. Kloe,

    Zumba is actually a religious cult disguised as a fitness fad. As in capoeira, the dance moves are merely a cloak to keep hidden a dangerous practice: brain eating.

    Robert,

    I love you too, man! The birth of CTB-1K has brought me a renewed sense of purpose, and love for all mankind. May CTB-1K bring you similar peace….and laughter.

    -BNH

  4. Hahahah! well ok, I see. I guess I could have figured that one out after seeing the video (got to about 1:14!!!) and the tens of thousands of adepts. 😉

  5. Hey BNH, guess what? gogreenfitness is going to build out a couple of all purpose fitness rooms – all green sustainable materials, of course – and you know whats coming next – ZUMBA Baby. I’m sure you’ll have an absolute field day with that one. Rob Kravitz

  6. Oh no, Rob. You’ve been bitten! Suffice it to say that there will be a follow-up!

    If you think I was turned off by your harmless little spinning class, that was nothing compared to my repulsion toward the voodoo menace that is Zumba.

    Build the studio if you wish, Rob, but don’t say I didn’t warn you….

    -BNH

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