He Cuts Bike Locks!!

Broken lock security 11 98

We all know unemployment is rising as the economy plummets. While many are searching helplessly to find work, others are inventing whole new occupations to fend off financial ruin.

I encountered such a man while searching Craigslist for a rusty screw I needed for my current de-restoration project. That’s where I take a rare, antique bicycle in mint condition, and recreate what it would look like if no one had cared for it after decades. It’s tedious work, but in the end its rewarding to run your finger over a fresh coat of rust and get the feeling of years of neglect, (and tetanus), running through your blood.

While searching for that screw, I came across the following post offering to free your bike, rusty or otherwise, from its chains.  If you’ve locked up your bike and lost the key, you’re in luck. There’s a man who can help you.

I Cut Bike Locks!! Lost Kryptonite keys? No Prob! Any Lock/Chain Cut! – $25 (New Haven Area)

 


Date: 2009-09-28, 9:14AM EDT
Reply to: sale-mcckm-1395984126@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


Need your Bike Lock or Heavy Duty chain cut off ?? Lost your Keys??..no prob! ..All Locks/Chains Cut!!! Call Steve 203-444-3890
* Generally Takes less than 5 minutes, -Bikes are not harmed in the process!- **$25 to cut off any lock if you bring the bike to me, ..$35 if I travel to you.

If you’re like me, you went through a complex series of emotions while reading this post.

1. Terror – If you read this too quickly, like I did, you might have thought there was a maniac running around New Haven threatening to cut people… Oh wait, he cuts bike locks…. Wait, WTF? I guess that’s not as bad as what I initially thought.

This CL poster could have avoided any confusion had he not broken a fundamental rule of grammar: never use two exclamation points to end a sentence that begins with I cut.

2. Anger – My next reaction was one of pure rage upon learning that this man had stolen my idea. I had posted of a similar service a few months ago offering to smash any lock with a 20 pound sledge hammer. I had even promised a 50% accuracy rating. How dare he?!

3. Suspicion– Why is this man so accomplished? He claims he can cut through any lock in less than 5 minutes. Is he a laidoff metalworker? Or, did he just study this video?

4. Confusion– I’ll be honest, the whole thing confuses me, but if I had to pick one sentence that really does it, it’s this one: “$25 to cut off any lock if you bring the bike to me.”

It seems like if you’re capable of detaching a locked bike from whatever it’s attached to and bringing it to him then you’ve already solved your problem. Unless, of course, he’s referring to the often seen but seldom understood “bike locked to nothing.”

bike-lock-mistake-1

We’ve all see these folks, (mostly overly trusting Yale freshman), who lock their bike wheel to the frame but not actually to the rack. If that’s what he’s looking for, than yes, I do need my bike lock cut off, and the locks of my 12 friends.

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