Winter’s Here! But, that doesn’t mean you have to stash your bicycle in the closet with your sandals and manpris. Like a trusty steed, your bike will never let you down, even in cold weather. Actually it’s even better than the horse since you won’t have to kill it if an appendage becomes disabled. Freezing temperatures will have virtually no effect on a steel frame, other than making it cold to the touch. For this reason, you’ll want to avoid licking the bike, even if someone says: “I triple-dog dare you.” If you do end up in this embarrassing situation, there’s an easy way out. (I assure you this was not learned through experience). To dismount simply swing one leg over the top tube and run along side your bike until you can find someone to help warm the steel around your tongue. You’ll have a hard time explaining with words so brush up on your sign language.

This isn’t the only thing that could go wrong on a winter ride. Proper attire is key to riding comfortably in unfavorable conditions. If you don’t wear enough clothing you’re going to end up looking like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining; eyes rolled back into your skull, frozen snot under your nose, your wife and child running away from your murderous rampage. An easy way to prevent looking like a violent sociopath is to wear a facemask. It’ll keep you really warm, comes in a variety of colors to match the anodized parts on your bike, and it only looks vaguely criminal. It’s definitely better than showing up to work with the frozen snot mustache. I didn’t see what the big deal was but apparently my boss did. He said something about it being unprofessional or unsanitary, something that started with -un.

Speaking of -un, you’re going to want to purchase some thermal underwear. You’ll want separate tops and bottoms though, because, while thermals aren’t exactly the height of fashion, the one-piece, butt-flap kind are just completely despicable. I wouldn’t want to get hit by a car, brought by ambulance to the emergency room, and wheeled inside for surgery only to hear the nurse exclaim as they cut away my clothing, “My gosh, did you see what he was wearing underneath. Why the hell would anyone have use for a butt-flap in 2007.” Despite their bad reputation, the butt-flap thermal has beaten the odds and has been marketed to both lumberjacks and hermits with great success.

Enough about fashion, let’s talk about the thing with the wheels. Actually, on the topic, the wheels themselves will need to be adjusted to suit the rougher conditions. You’ll want more tread on your tires for slippery days. Normally, on the road, tires with big knobs just slow you down, but in this case, knobs are good. I know, you usually try to avoid the knobs in New Haven, but unlike the ones that will tell you to grow up and get a car, these knobs will actually help to keep you on your bike. If you don’t have knobby tires just take an old chain and wrap it around the circumference of the tire for traction. I haven’t tried this yet so it’s up to you to discover if this is the best improvement to cycling since Lycra, or just a complete waste of time. In addition to good tires, you’ll need fresh bar tape. Those trendy bare bars that were all the rage last summer are probably a bad idea this time of year. If it starts raining, or even worse, if the old New Haven classic – wintry mix – starts coming down, you’ll look like someone trying to grip a wet fish as you attempt to stop your bicycle. Finally, remember to bring your bike inside. It’s bad enough when they’re chained up outside in fair weather, but there’s nothing worse than seeing a bike suffering alone in the midst of winter. Are these the same people that leave their children in the car on scorching summer days?

 

 

 

Note the forgotten glove. This neglected old lady’s definitely not getting a new chain for Christmas.

 

 

 

 

Don’t let the cold weather get you down. Follow these simple rules and you can enjoy cycling in winter just as much as any other time of year. So gear up, and hit the lovely streets of New Haven. Merry riding!